I'll be honest...
I am still NOT sure that I am ready to come out with
my SECRET
my SECRET
But here it goes...
I have a secret...
one that I am ashamed to even say out loud
the one that gives me a daily reminder of my past
the one that I wish I could say NEVER happened
I have SCARS
not the typical scars like most people do from a bike accident, or a knee scrape
I mean don't get me wrong I have those too, but the ones I am talking about are different....
I have scars that I can tell a story too
This one...
a tree branch scratched me
LIE
My scars are self inflicted :(
It makes me cringe to even write those words - I have only said them out loud to about 2 people and the other 2 people who know, happened to be there when it happened a time or two.
Most my family doesn't know - my friends don't know
I have to look at myself in the mirror everyday and wonder
WHY did I do that
WHY did I think it would make me feel better?
I am proud to say I don't do it anymore {or at least haven't in a while} and I hope I can stay strong and not do it any more - do I think about it at times - yes
but I have CHOSE to be STRONGER
WHY did I do it?
It might not make much sense to you - but the best way i can put it into words is
that I get upset or hurt and the pain is SO strong on the INSIDE that the only way I knew how to feel better was to make the pain on the OUTSIDE. It was like as soon as I could SEE the pain I felt better. I could breathe again.
LETS BE CLEAR - I DO NOT TRY TO KILL MYSELF!
I cut in hidden places and just a little - it is NOT a suicide attempt by any means!
IT IS NOT FOR ATTENTION - as I said before I do it in hidden places and don't show ANYONE unless it is seen or found and most the time I have a good story for it!
I only have a handful of scars - I only did it a FEW times. I can say i have only done it about 10 times in the last 9-10 years! It was just when the pain was TOO Much when I felt like there was NO other option!
sometimes I would go years with out doing it - sometimes I would do it a few times in one year. There was no "rule Book"
I would use whatever I could find...
My razor
a key
a knife
a safety pin
basically - anything sharp enough to break the skin
I got sick of the lying and and the pain and the ugly scars - I decided I had to stop!
I am thankful today for a husband and a couple of wonderful friends who have been there for me and were able to be a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on instead of me hurting myself. I can never express the gratitude I feel for these people. They took time away from their family and lives to help me. To comfort me, to help me be strong.
So to all those that JUDGE - keep it to yourself! I know what I do is not "NORMAL" and I know that I need to stop! I know that I do it because of underlying other issues and am working on that....
I am aware of the problem, I am getting help, and as of now - I have stopped doing it!
I only share this to help anyone else out there going through what I did to know that they can STOP that there is a light at then end of the tunnel!
It takes a lot of courage to 'come out of the closet' with something as painful as this...but it only makes you stronger..just as you implied. Thanks for sharing your struggles :)
ReplyDeleteYou are very brave writing about something like this. I never did this, but someone extremely close to me did. I can say that after two years now, she hasn't done it once. But I can remember her doing it, I can remember thinking it doesn't make sense, not understand it. But I loved her, so I was there for her. We all tried to help her and eventually it worked.
ReplyDeleteStay strong, you will overcome this. I've heard that popping rubber bands on your wrist instead helps when you get that urge. I send you many prayers that you can continue to fight this!
you are strong and have crazy courage to share this. it is an awesome thing to open up in hopes of helping yourself and others.
ReplyDeletewe all have our secrets & the great thing is when we are brave enough to share them we multiply our support!
i will pray for continued strength for you, it is inspiring to see you put it out there!
thank you for this-it was very brave of you and will only help others know they are not alone. anytime we talk about cutting or bipolar or ocd, etc, we let others know the truth about them all, not the myths, and maybe help them get help.
ReplyDeletewow, that was so brave of you to share and I think so good and important for you to do so. I understand that it somehow brings relief, that there is a place in our minds that we feel trapped in..and somehow this is a way back to reality. I think people need to remember that people's hurt and depression is real and it needs to be cared for, not judged. We all need to be cherished and our feelings validated, no matter how insignificant we might label them. We want someone to say, "that matters to me" because it does matter.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I have been struggling with depression a bit and your vulnerability is beautiful.
I too know someone who has done this, and has stopped. It takes a lot of courage to be open with your feelings and "skeletons in the closet". But, we ALL have something we deal with that we are not proud of. If anyone does judge you, I am certain that they'd have 5 more fingers pointing right back at them with things they have done. I pray your healing continues from within and that you stay strong with a support system to diminish this from your life forever.
ReplyDeletewhat courage you have!!! i am so glad you were able to get this point of your life and that you were willing to share. your message will reach many more people than you will ever know. I work at a University and I see this happen quite often and it is heartbreaking. I help students all the time and want you to know that i think you are so brave and courageous to overcome this experience. I wish you happiness.
ReplyDeletehugs,
gina
*get past this point in your life.
ReplyDeletegah-typos.
gina
oh my friend, my friend!! i cannot adequately express how much i love you! you are one of the most beautiful people i know - INSIDE and OUT! the friendship we share is so incredibly important to me and i cherish the smiles, the hugs, the laughter, lunches, shopping, the listening, the non-judgement we share.
ReplyDeletei can only hope that somehow, in some way i have helped in some small way. you are so much stronger than i can ever imagine to be. i appreciate your complete honesty about this. i can't imagine that it was easy on any level. if you ever need someone to lean on, i am always here. always.
love, love, LOVE you my beautiful friend!! scars (both seen and unseen) and all!!
What a beautiful post. And I mean that because what you did was amazingly brave and very inspirational to a lot of people who have hurts, habits and hang ups in their lives. Don't we all? Not everyone has the courage to come out and let people know what they have been through and for you to do it so people can see what's on the other side of the pain is simply beautiful. Don't ever look back and question what you did in this post. You may not hear the direct affects but I know there will people out there who will benefit from this post. I don't know your religious background and that's okay but a piece of scripture that I absolutely love and think about often is Psalm 139:14
ReplyDelete"I praise you, for I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE, Wonderful are you works; my soul knows it very well."
I pray that this journey for you will be so rewarding in that you are able to accomplish your goal of helping others who have had the same kind of hurts as you.
God Bless,
Mallory
Just listening to "You don't have to hide anymore" by Joy Williams and thinking of you! Thank you so much for sharing your journey and that you're getting help. So many of us think we can do this alone - let this be a message that helps others!
ReplyDeleteSong I mentioned above:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRuxgpSvcvg
Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. You might be able to help someone else out there. My daughter's bestfriend used to do this to herself. I believe she has stopped. Her family was going thru some rough times. Thru counseling, I believe things are better. My daughter used to do something similiar: she used to pull out her eyelashes. It started at age 10. Luckily, she hurt her shoulder on the trampoline and I took her to the chiropractor. He practices alternative medicine and noticed. After suggesting prayer, he suggested 4 vitamin supplements. Her and I both started taking them, after 1 week...she was back to her old self. Happy, outgoing, no anxiety, etc. Keep your head up, and let me know if you ever need to talk. My daughter is now 17and we've never looked back.
ReplyDeletehow very brave of you to tell your secret to the world...you should be proud for letting it out, and proud that you got the help that you needed and are moving forward!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you have felt such pain and a need to cut your self. You are so brave for saying so. I hope you keep getting stronger every day!
ReplyDeleteAndrea D.
short74717@msn.com
Hugs to you, sweet girl. It takes a lot of courage to be able to unveil a secret so deep and personal. I think it's also a big step in your healing process. Kudos to you for stopping and recognizing your problem...that in itself is HUGE, but Im sure you know that :) My prayers are with you, and I can def tell you that you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteIt is our secrets that keep us sick. Your sharing this secret shows how how far you have come in healing. You will never know how many people you're reaching with your message, bestowing a wonderful blessing upon everyone who can read your story. Thank you, lovely lady!
ReplyDeleteBrittney, I think you are brave to let others know and I can tell you this...there will always be SOMEONE who judges, but that's THEIR problem! We all have secrets in our lives and you do what you need to get past it :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this with your blogging community. I'm sure it took a lot of courage to share this. I commend you for that. I truly hope that you find solice in the people around you. You are amazing!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing. I am also a former cutter and sadly my scars are visible. It's hard and sad and so I haven't done it in five years but I still have the urge sometime. Thanks so much for making this public and sharing because now I know I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing. Don't forget it, mmkay!
ReplyDeleteI am a new blog follower of yours. I just want to say how amazing you are. I know exactly how you feel. I share the same secret. I am so proud of you for opening up.
ReplyDeletethanks so much for this story! it really helped me know that other people go through things too :)i love you just from hearing your story! thanks! It meant a lot in life right now!
ReplyDeleteI think it is awesome you have overcome it! Seriously that takes a lot of strength! we all have our things and challenges in life, I think your awesome girl!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your story. It gives me hope. :)
ReplyDeleteYou're awesome, Britt. I think everyone deals with pain in a different way, and some are just healthier ways than others. Some turn to drinking, drugs, stealing, etc. I'm sure you've heard it before, but you're definitely not alone, and kudos to you for working on overcoming it. I know it's a process and will probably never be easy. I know you've got friends and family out there, but if you ever need someone to talk to on the outside of it all, I'd love to chat. Really. :)
ReplyDelete((hugs)) You are so amazing and brave to share such a deep and personal secret like this! I am so glad you found the help that you need are working on overcoming this. You story is so inspirational and will give others in the same position hope!
ReplyDeleteI think we all have secrets and you are right by sharing this you will help others. My sister has battled with cutting herself and picking at her skin and it's awful. It's hard to see and understand. Your story somehow has helped me understand more because somehow when it's your family you have trouble finding the words or the explanation. Stay strong & beautiful. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI don't think there is any "normal" for dealing with pain. You are stronger by sharing and may have helped someone who didn't think they had the strength to say the words and help themselves. Cheers to you, you deserve it.
ReplyDeletehi brittany, first of all you are soo much braver than you think! :) (i repinned one of the quotes u posted). Your pure honesty about this is amazing and I do believe by sharing your story it will help others. I've battled with my own scars inside and out and still continue to. It's comforting to know you/we are not alone! you are beautiful!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing with us(your blogger) friends..love, brittany
Hey Brittany!
ReplyDeleteIt always empowers you more than the "urge" when you say it out loud! It really shows the spot you are in when you can tell someone close to you and let alone on your blog! you are pretty darn special! Dont ever question your strength again!
Kailee
Hello: Brittany
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you decided to tell people about your scars. It took courage to come out. It will get better and you will get the strength to stop. I also was a cutter, and it been years since the last time.
The temptation is always their, once i started to have kids everything changed.
Now i have to deal with my little one asking me question's regarding my scars. Dont worry it will get better when you feel that rush of anger go for a walk paint sew try anything, and pretty soon the urge will fade away. Good luck
I hope you know how amazing it is that you were able to post this. Seriously so brave! And please tell me that no one will have the nerve to make judgmental comments to you about it. If they do, please send them my way and I'll give them a piece of my mind for you;)
ReplyDeleteSarah
I came here via a link to the comforter tutorial via someone on a forum, and then saw this post, and just had to add my kudos to you for your incredible bravery for putting it all out there...I am sure it will be an incredible relief and inspiration for many people to see it here.
ReplyDeleteMuch love.
This must have been so hard for you to share. But you should find comfort in the fact that your strength gives others strength. We all have our secrets, our struggles, our skeletons in the closet. You are not alone, you are never alone, and you are always loved...{hugs}
ReplyDeleteI commend you for admitting it publicly. I just recently started getting help for my skin picking addiction and it was a hard thing to admit to someone outside of a close little trusted circle. Happy to say I am getting better. I did it for the same reason, the pain of dealing with stressful situations. Much love to you and keep your head up. Tonight I will pray for you :)
ReplyDeleteThere is much to be said for being open and honest, even about things that are extremely difficult. You show so much courage and strength of character. It's inspirational for everyone, as we all have secrets. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing. I know how hard it must be to say your secret out loud. You have inspired me to let my secret out. I plan on doing it soon. We all have secrets but not everyone is strong enough to let it out.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you for your courage and honesty! you are one of the best people I know and I am so lucky to have you as my friend. We all have our "thing", our battle, our obstacle to overcome--and I support you 100%! love you!
ReplyDelete